


Blue Sky Blues

by writingtoreachyou



Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-05-30 03:34:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6407101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingtoreachyou/pseuds/writingtoreachyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“How did you cope?”<br/>“It was a ton of bricks. - How did I cope? Put the bag down. Stopped trying to carry it.” </p><p>Mark suffers from severe depression and harming himself is the only coping mechanism that works. Robbie feels like a helpless bystander and tries to be there for him to his best of his knowledge and ability - even though that means that he has to be stronger than he ever considered possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very personal story for me, I was in Rob's place at some point in my life and this story was my way of coming to terms with it. It's no easy read but if you like angsty stories - that are not always dark, promised - this could be your thing. Some chapters are quite short because it was quite a ride to write this piece.
> 
> It's also a songfic that I got inspired to write when I walked to work the other day and my iPhone decided that it was time to break my heart before having my first coffee... Check out the song [here](http://youtu.be/72hNiIvA4iU).
> 
> And LAST but not least, [THIS](https://youtu.be/AH_PnQ6YtvM?t=7m39s) is the interview this chapter mentions, I've tagged the question about the lyrics to "What Do You Want From Me".

_Blue sky when you gonna learn to rain?_  
_And let yourself go blue for once_  
_And let go of the weight you've been carrying_  
_In this house, no one goes to sleep for days_  
_It’s like we’re working on a mountainside_  
_Trying not to slide_  
_Into the ocean_

“How did you cope?”  
“It was a ton of bricks. - How did I cope? Put the bag down. Stopped trying to carry it.”

Rob still recalled that interview as if it was yesterday. Even though he had tried his best to be patient with that man - he was foreign, he didn’t get half of their jokes, he was quite blunt - he almost lost it in that very moment.  
He had been sitting at the bar with Jonathan, listening in on Gaz and Mark doing their thing and it went quite well considering the fact that Markie had just hit another low and was far from great. But then he slipped into one of those moods where he’d start rambling, not follow through the thoughts in his head and get lost in his own mind. He said something about how he wasn’t sure if everything had had a meaning in the early days while he still believed that it had and despite the rambling, Rob knew what he meant: That he had bitched so much about the early days, had been so bitter about it, so selfishly demolishing their memories that Mark had started believing that it all had been a waste of time - while in fact it hadn’t and now they both knew it.

Rob and Jonathan had shared a knowing look but the worst part was still to come: When Mark was asked how he’d coped during the most difficult period in his life. How could anybody possibly ask that in an interview like that? What gave those bastards the right? Rob had clenched his fist and told himself to remain calm and professional. Of course Mark would have to answer this question over and over again, after all he’d written another of his brutally honest songs that would rip his freshly healed wounds open again and again. He had guessed it was just part of Mark’s personality. Make yourself suffer over and over until you can forgive yourself. Suffer to feel salvation.

Looking back at it now, Rob let out a bitter laugh.  
How could he have been so blind?  
He rubbed his tired eyes, counted to three and embraced himself for whatever was awaiting him behind that door.  
Whatever it would be, he had to be strong.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rob comes home and finds Mark in a very vulnerable state

_I can take care of you_   
_But only if you want_   
_I’m strong enough to carry you_   
_Across the icy lake, across the icy lake_

Rob almost expected a locked door when he reached for the handle but to his surprise, he could enter the room without difficulties. Gaz’ words still rang in his ears, asking him desperately to return to Europe as soon as possible. He hadn’t even planned on staying in LA for a long time, in fact all he was going to do was making arrangements to change his permanent residence back to the UK. So the distance would be less unbearable. So he would be there. But his timing was off, as always.

When he was standing in the door and saw the fragile body of his friend curled up on his bed, his heart ached with such force that he had to hold onto the wall for a second. He stumbled further into the room and was painfully aware of how vulnerable the man in front of him seemed, even now. Rob approached him one step at a time, the entire room lay so still that his own breathing seemed like he was invading Mark’s private space. He sat down on the edge of the bed and watched him closely. His mouth twitched in his sleep and he seemed exhausted. His hair was messy, deep, dark circles around his eyes and his hand clutched the blanket he was wrapped up in. His arm wasn’t covered in the fabric and the sleeve of his pjs that had slid further up his shoulder revealed more than Rob was prepared to see. He leaned in and drew along the thin, deep red lines on Mark’s arm in the air, not daring to wake him. He was shaking. Not again. Please, not again.

Mark stirred. He blinked and Rob was not quick enough to pull his hand back - but no need, Mark’s arm shot back and under the cover faster than he could have imagined. His beaten body was now completely wrapped up in the blanket but he looked at Rob with a mixture of accusation and relief. “What did you do that for?” Mark demanded to know. He was defensive and hurt.  
Rob took a deep breath, would he ever get used to this? He replied patiently “I didn’t touch it... I swear, I didn’t.”  
Mark tested him for a moment before letting his body relax slowly with a tiny sigh “I know.”  
After a second he asked with a tiny voice, as if he already knew the answer “Why aren’t you in LA?”.  
Rob played with his own hands, he probably shouldn’t get too close to Mark when he was in one of those moods “Gaz called me...”.  
“Of course he did,” Mark stated bitterly. His defenses were still high.  
“...he was worried about you.” Rob stated as normally as possible before adding “So was I.”.  
“I’m alright, Rob. Fighting it,” Mark smiled briefly. “It’s better now.”  
Before Rob knew what he was saying, the words “Because you broke your promise” had already passed his lips. He sighed and rubbed his forehead “Sorry. Sorry, Markie... I didn’t...”  
Mark turned around on his bed slowly, mumbling “Don’t ‘Markie’ me...”, there was no strength left in his body for any hasty kind of movements and it ached to watch him this broken. Rob moved a bit closer and reached out for the person next to him, he didn’t quite dare to touch him, so he merely let his fingertips run over Mark’s hair.  
He waited.  
For a long time.  
He knew that Mark didn’t have the heart to kick him out, not after he’d come all the way from LA.  
But he had that time. He’d come home for Mark and he’d do whatever it took.

“Rob, I’m sorry that I’m such a disappointment,” Mark mumbled and turned back towards him. He looked tired and troubled. “I know that I promised you not to do it anymore.” He sat up and pulled his sleeves down, covering both arms. Rob still knew it was there and it still hurt. But he tried not to stare.  
Rob silently pulled the other man into a hug, not knowing what to say.  
How about “You shouldn’t promise anything to me, you should stop doing this for your own sake.”  
or  
“This is not healthy!”  
or  
“I have the feeling you’re slipping away under my grasp and I don’t know what to do.”  
or  
“I don’t think you’re crazy and you’re definitely no disappointment to me but I would love to understand why you’re doing this to yourself”  
and most of all  
“I’m so fucking scared of losing you to this”.

Instead, he held him, sheltered him in his arms and stroked over his back. This was not about him, this was about Mark. And they’d get through this somehow.  
He said “It’s okay, Mark. It’s okay.” - even though it wasn’t. It would never be okay to watch the man he loved more than anybody else in this world destroy himself like that.  
“I’m here and I’m not gonna leave you. You hear me? I’m not gonna leave you again,” he whispered and swallowed down the tears that were starting to burn in his throat. Mark nodded against him, he didn’t cry, he didn’t fight him, he simply let him hold him.  
Then it occurred to him: This wasn’t him comforting Mark.  
This was Mark comforting him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a good day - and Mark decides to do be brave.

It had been a particularly great day, Rob noticed. They had been shopping and spent way too much money on way too few scarves and hats and a new pair of shiny shoes, then he’d taken Mark out for dinner - provided that Mark would wear at least one of his new purchases, a wish that the other man had most certainly happily complied with (the shoes) - followed by an evening in the cinema where they’d hardly been able to follow the plot because they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. In the end, Mark had beamed at him with that one particular smile that made everything worthwhile and had sighed contently “Careful, Mister Williams, you’re spoiling me rotten!”. And that was exactly what Rob had been aiming for. 

That’s what life was like these days. It wasn’t all dark and gloomy and difficult. They were human beings with ups and downs. And if Rob could do anything at all, no matter how silly, to add to the ups and decrease the downs, hell, he would. He had read an awful lot about this illness - he would not call it ‘habit’, that was such a nasty word for what was going on and it definitely was no ‘phase’ either - an awful lot that he didn’t understand. He was supposed to treat him the same way he used to treat him before he knew what was going on. On the other hand he was supposed not to hide that he knew what was happening. But still he was supposed to wait until Mark was ready to share it. Yet encourage him in the things he did and said. All that didn’t go together at all. In the end he felt as if he knew just as much as he had before doing his bit of research: That it was a bitch of an illness that was very difficult to handle because the person was instable, self-aware and insecure. Congratulations!  
But it did feel good to know that he wasn’t alone.  
No matter how selfish it might sound, he was also part of this whole thing, he also had to deal with it. And if Mark didn’t want to share his problem with others, he would be the least person to ‘out’ him to the world. He had no right.   
So while he couldn’t talk to Mark about it because he didn’t want to increase his feelings of guilt and shame, there was also nobody else he could turn to.   
And sometimes that.was.fucking.killing.him. 

“Rob, what’s going on in your head?” Mark asked quietly and turned to his side. He moved, snuggled up to him in bed and played with Rob’s chest hair. The younger man smiled down at him and placed a kiss on top of his head before sliding his hand underneath the fabric of Mark’s pajama top. He always had to be careful, sometimes Mark would like the body contact, was craving for it and soaking up everything he gave him, almost as if he was starving. Other times he would withdraw and immediately feel guilty for not enjoying it the way he was ‘supposed to’. So whenever Rob dared to give it a shot, he watched the other man very closely, scared of ruining the moment between them and he only relaxed when Mark didn’t shut down.  
Today was a good day.   
A very good day.   
He smiled to himself when Mark briefly kissed his chest and answered honestly “I was just thinking that this day was simply perfect. Wasn’t it?”   
Rob could feel smiling lips vibrating against his chest and he let his fingertips run over Mark’s bare back, treasuring every second of this.   
Mark kissed a pattern that only he understood on Rob's upper body who could only watch in awe. But what happened then exceeded every expectation.   
"Robert Peter Williams," Mark murmured against his skin.   
Was he supposed to say something? He didn't want to spoil the moment. Why couldn't he just let himself fall?   
He smiled.  
"Mark Anthony Patrick Owen," Rob replied.  
"I think, I want you to see me," he stated, sounding a lot more confident than he probably felt.   
Rob could hear the blood rushing in his ears. He wasn't sure if he was actually ready for this but then again how could he possibly prepare himself for what was about to happen. He nodded numbly and said almost hoarsely "I think, I want to see you" in return, trying to sound a tiny bit playful but failing miserably.  
Mark, ever the knowing one, picked up on it immediately and took over. He sat up, wordlessly took off his pj top and didn't move for a moment but looked at him, as if he wanted to make sure that Rob didn't suddenly feel the urge to run away.   
To be completely honest: Part of him wanted to run away, part of him wanted to ignore what was about to happen and wanted to act as if they were two normal blokes that happened to be all over each other. Part of him was even ready to pretend that he didn't find him sexually attractive, that he hadn't been waiting for this for a long time now. Because he knew that this was going to hurt and he knew that he shouldn't act too shocked, too hurt, too irrational about it because it would make Mark feel guilty and add to his insecurities. But how could you act rational when it came to something like this? 

Rob snapped out of it when Mark took his hand and slowly turned his left arm towards him. He was completely exposed. Bare. Some of the scars were fading, others bright red, reminders of the latest events. Broken promises. Rob had only learned very recently from his researches that you shouldn't ask for that kind of promise. But wasn't that natural? Who wouldn't?   
"I don't wanna hurt you," he whispered when Mark brought his hand to his latest scars and the concentrated look vanished and was replaced by something very gentle, very caring and very trusting.   
"You won't, Rob." Mark replied and he sounded like he meant it.   
It felt weird, his index finger was trembling when he traced one of the longer cuts along his arm. Warm, a bit rough where the wound started to heal. And it cut right through him. Because touching it made it more real. There was no use in denying. 

Mark closed his eyes and just let Rob continue trying to understand him. It was a very intimate moment, more intimate than Rob would have anticipated and even though it hurt him, it also connected them. Tore another of those walls down.   
"This is me," Mark said silently, keeping his eyes closed. "This has been me for a couple of years now. When everything just gets too much and the pressure inside is eating me up. It's just… it needs to get out, it all needs to get out. The pain. The pressure. This… thing!"   
Rob frowned in concentration. This situation was almost too much to cope with.   
"And you know… I cannot promise to you that it's not going to happen again. Because… then I try too hard and that adds to the pressure and damn, over the past few weeks I was constantly thinking of doing it, you know? Because I knew I couldn't." He quickly opened his eyes and looked straight at Rob "Which doesn't mean that it's your fault for making me promise that. Don't ever think that!"  
Rob nodded numbly. How could he *not* think that it was his fault when it was basically what Mark had just confirmed. But he played along. He didn't want this moment to end. "Come here," he said with a brave smile and pulled Mark down by his neck, kissing him gently. He then moved his head and briefly and quickly kissed Mark's bruised arm.   
"Please don't hide this from me anymore," he pleaded but Mark shook his head.  
"This is me on a good day. I wouldn't talk to you about this on a bad day. And I wouldn't show you…. this… on a bad day either," he said honestly and Rob could tell how difficult that must have been for the other man. He looked exhausted but proud and Rob wrapped his arms around Mark's naked waist "Okay. Okay. Your call. Just know that I'll always be there when you need me. And don't you dare feeling guilty for not being able to share this on your bad days. And now excuse me, whenever I see a sexy body in front of me, I cannot help but do this…" He leaned in and started showering Mark's body with butterfly kisses - something he'd wanted to do ever since he'd first set eye on him. Mark chuckled before Rob's biting and licking made him moan. Yes, this day was simply perfect indeed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rob and Gary meet.

Rob stood in the door frame, already way too late for his appointment but he couldn’t took his eyes off the Duracell bunny that his friend had turned into an hour ago when they had been lying in bed and he had mumbled contently “I really think I should call Gaz and cancel,” before leaning down and brushing his lips over Mark’s. The result was not at all what he had anticipated: Mark had sat up and poked him until he’d squirmed.  
“You’ve postponed that meeting twice already, go on doing that and there won’t be an album, there won’t be a tour and your fans will hunt me down and kick my bloody ass for keeping you chained to the bed like this. So get out already!!!”  
Then he’d looked around and stated the obvious “Besides it’s about time somebody cleaned up this mess. This whole place screams ‘Robbie Williams’... Not that I don’t like that but, you know... - And I really cannot have you distracting me. So, Mister Williams, do something useful, earn us some money,” he’d winked, shooed him out of bed and started doing the housework in his oversized white shirt that constantly slid down his right shoulder and the black trainers that also looked at least one size too big, hiding his perfect little ass.  
And still he was such a gorgeous sight that Rob was running ridiculously late just because he was standing there, watching Mark fumble with the window cleaner that refused to spray for no apparent reason.  
“Rob!” Mark said sternly when he noticed that the other man was ready but not willing to leave. He stood with his hands on his hips. “If you’re not leaving within the next 20 seconds, I’ll make you!” He came over, opened the door and pushed him gently out but not without kissing him a last time.  
Rob chuckled and mumbled against his lips “I’ll be home soon, babe!”. Mark rolled his eyes because the other man knew damn well that he didn’t like to be called ‘babe’ for pretty obvious reasons.  
“Be nice to Gaz,” Mark replied “I still need him for MY band.”  
“Yeah, I will be - because I still need him for MY solo project,” Rob winked, pecked him one last time and left.

About twenty minutes later, he rushed into the little café where they usually met to talk business. It was a small place in a rather quiet area. It gave them both some neutral ground - not like they actually needed it these days but for meetings like this they both preferred that anyway - and the owner was a friend of the Barlows, so there was no risk of any bullshit ending up in the papers or strategies to be revealed too soon prior to the release.  
Rob was very excited about this CD. Somehow he’d always wished for that to happen someday and when Mark had done his second solo record, he had secretly envied him a bit for working with Gary. It’s not like they had done anything in particular in the early days, they had both been way too stuck up and in Robbie’s case wrapped up in teenage angst and insecurity issues to make it happen. So this time around, when two adults met on common ground, they were both sure that something great would result from it and what they’d worked on so far had been extremely promising.

“Only 40 minutes late, I’m impressed, how did Markie achieve that? I’m actually almost surprised that you didn’t cancel - again!” Gaz greeted him with a smirk, a raised eyebrow proper Gary Barlow style and a hug. While he patted his shoulder, he asked what had been on his mind for a while judging from the urge in his voice that he couldn’t quite overplay “How’s he anyway?”.  
“He kicked me out, that angry dwarf did!” Rob chuckled “Said I should treat you nicely cause he still needs you for HIS band...” Now Rob also raised an eyebrow and pulled back, took a deep breath and said vaguely “Better...” before adding playfully “And I’m alright, too, thanks for asking.”.

They sat back down. Rob played nervously with his hands. He hated to be in the middle of this. He could probably confide in Jonathan, although he didn’t cause it felt like treason but when it came to his bandmates, there was no way he could share what was going on. But the boys weren’t blind; they were concerned and he had to walk on eggshells whenever they asked how Mark was doing.  
They ordered coffee and sat in silence for a moment, sipping and enjoying each other’s company before Gaz started “What happened a few weeks ago when I called you...”.  
That’s where it left him. What had happened? When they had talked on the phone, Gaz had told Rob that Mark refused to meet up, had said that he was fighting a low but that he’d be able to do it on his own and that nobody should worry.  
The good thing about Mark these days was that ever since he’d stopped drinking, he’d become pretty brutally honest about his feelings.  
The bad thing about Mark these days was that he only went that far but wouldn’t bother anybody with solving his issues because he had the opinion that it was his cross to bear. And he’d send anybody away who’d try to help him carry it. Apparently Rob was the only one who managed to get through the tiny holes in Mark’s defenses - probably because he’d played a similar game for so long with his various addictions and knew where to look for them.

“...is he over that?” Gaz finally finished his sentence.  
Rob shrugged and suddenly felt very exhausted. No, he was not over that. It wasn’t that easy with depression. Or addiction. Or self-destruction.  
“He’s a fighter,” Rob replied.  
Both of them were aware of the lack of answer to the question.  
Both of them nodded knowingly.  
Rob rubbed his forehead and added after a while when he had sorted the thoughts in his head “He’s happy right now but... it’s ups and downs. Always fucking ups and downs. When he’s happy, things are great, you know? We’re great.” He hadn’t meant to say the last sentence but Gaz smiled softly. “We?”  
“We.” Rob put the cup of coffee between his hands and looked over the edge of the mug like a shield from whatever reaction would follow.  
“Is he the reason you’re returning for good?” Gaz wanted to know, his eyes were shining brightly and Rob felt relief. He knew how protective the other guys were of Mark, especially ever since he had ditched their friendship the first time around. So the acceptance in Gary’s eyes meant the world to him.  
“Yeah,” a ridiculously shy smile slowly spread across his face; he behaved like a fucking teenager. But it felt good to just let the happiness take over for a while. He was thinking too much as it was and couldn’t always let it in because he was scared that if he opened up too widely, Mark’s dark moments might invade him just the way his bright moments did inevitably.  
“Good,” Gaz nodded “That’s good. So the gayness towards the end of the tour - that was not just show for the audience.”  
Rob laughed about the ‘gayness’ and shook his head “No. Well. Maybe a bit. There’s nothing wrong with a bit man on man action on stage.”  
Gary looked alarmed and raised the good old eyebrow “As long as I’m the observer, I’m fine with it, I don’t have to participate...”  
Rob winked and nudged his captain before chuckling contently.

It felt so good to just be with a friend for a while. To have a laugh and be silly. Mark’s happy period was still fragile. Rob had decided to go with it, to not question it and he tried his best not to be suspicious, not to be worried when he left. Cause deep down he didn’t know if Mark was truly happy. He had to trust him, had to trust that he was honest with him and shared his fears. And that had not always worked in the past. Mark had hurt himself once or twice in situations that seemed utterly perfect. After a gig. After a night off. It was not a rational illness, Rob knew that. But he couldn’t let it destroy their relationship. He couldn’t let it destroy him. Because no matter how much he loved Mark, he was not the most stable person either. He had many faults, many problems, doubts and fears. And he knew that Mark wanted to be there for him, too. This whole situation made his mood swings harder to control, he had no more strength to be a sane man. They were a deeply flawed couple with the potential to destroy each other for good. But maybe that similarity was also their chance...

Rob noticed that he had drifted off when he felt a hand on his arm. Gary stared right at him and before he knew it, he whispered “I’m not sure if I’m strong enough for two.”. He couldn’t explain what was going on, he couldn’t let him in on Mark’s secret but Gary understood. He didn’t ask the wrong questions, in fact, he asked nothing at all. Instead he said “You don’t have to be. You’re not alone. We’re there, all three of us. Don’t ever forget that, alright?”. In that moment, Rob started to cry.

 _But I can’t fight your blues,_  
_Cause I know I'll lose_  
 _What's left of my mind_  
 _I can’t win_  
 _But for you I will try_  
 _My baby blue_


	5. Chapter 5

_My mountain is hidden in a pile of trees  
And it’s the one I'll have to climb  
If I ever wanna see  
Over the ocean_

When Rob returned home that night, he was in a strange state. It was a bit as if somebody had wrapped him up in cotton wool and every sound, every impression was far away. He had cried for quite a while and that he couldn’t even properly explain what was going on in his head had unsettled Gary but he’d left with the promise that he’d call if things got tough. It was as if Gary’s words, the promise that he wasn’t alone in this fight against the invisible enemy, had broken a dam inside of him. Now he was emotionally drained and even though he hated himself for it, he was a bit scared to open the door because he wasn’t entirely sure what he’d find. 

When he entered the house, he wanted nothing more than to just crawl to bed and hide until he’d have recovered enough to face the world again but when he felt two arms wrapped around him from behind and a kiss on his shoulder, he immediately drew strength from the embrace and recharged himself like a battery. He closed his eyes for a moment and hummed softly, mumbling “Babe, I’m back again,” - yes, the joke never got old - and smiled. 

Even through closed eyelids he could tell that candles were burning and it smelled of fresh pasta. Mark loved pasta. He took a wild guess “prawns and curry sauce?”. Mark kissed him along his shoulder and placed a last delicate kiss in the nape of his neck - Rob’s body reacted instantly with a shiver. “Hmmm. How did you know?” Mark replied and turned him around in his arm. He put his hands around Rob’s neck, rose up his tiptoes and kissed him on his mouth now, snorting contently when Rob pulled him up and carried him, Mark’s legs around his waist. They only had eyes for each other and there was no doubt that Rob could ever live without this man.   
Flawed? Yes.   
Perfect for each other? Fucking yeah.   
Rob hummed the melody of ‘Hello’ before starting to sing in a teasing but flirty manner “I don’t ever wanna let you go, oh no...”. Mark tilted his head and played with Rob’s hair “You know that it’s totally embarrassing when you sing my songs...” and the younger man laughed contently and nodded “That’s one of the reasons I love doing it. You’re way too modest, Markie, you’re a fucking genius!”. Mark looked away. There were some things he’d never be able to handle and one of them were direct compliments like that. Rob knew it and didn’t press it any further; he kissed his nose and said cheerfully “I’m fucking starving, mate, let’s get some food into us.”. 

When they were having dinner, Rob looked around. The entire place looked like taken straight out of one of those glossy magazines that tried to sell you new furniture and a Feng Shui way of life. The candles were in exactly the right places, there was not one single grain of dust on the furniture and Mark had definitely cleaned every single window. The perfectionist through and through. Now he knew why he had to be out of the way. Sloppy and neat didn’t go well together. Some of the furniture was also rearranged and the new setting made the entire place appear cozy and warm.   
“You should have one of those we-come-and-change-your-life-and-we’re-gonna-start-with-your-apartment shows on ITV. First your show, then X Factor...” “...and then Jay and Howard in a dance off on Britain’s Got Talent?” Mark laughed at the thought of it. “But I’m glad you like it,” his eyes were bright with joy. He reached over the table and took Rob’s hand in his “I wanted to thank you...”. He looked serious all of a sudden but the candle light and his slight smile made him the most handsome person Rob had ever set eye on.   
“There’s no n...” Rob started but Mark shook his head and hushed him.   
“Please let me finish. I know that living with me isn’t easy...”   
Rob felt the urgent need to shut him up because he couldn’t stand the way Mark was talking himself down all the time, it left him uncomfortable and sad because it wasn’t true. Still he respected his words and simply nodded.  
“...and I also see what it’s doing to you. I see that your eyes are tired right now. And I know that you’re worried about me. But you’re still here and I trust you, I know you’d not run away anymore. You’ve done more for me than anybody else in my life and...” Mark needed a moment to figure out how to say the next bit. Rob’s head was spinning. All the thoughts and fears that he’d thought he couldn’t share with his partner - Mark had seen right through him. He bit his lip and nodded once more to encourage him to continue.  
“I want you to know that I can carry my load. I don’t want to break you and I’m scared that I will if we continue like this,” Mark’s eyes shifted a bit uneasy now. Throughout the first bit of his speech, he had been confident, strong and determined but the last few words were hard for him. Rob could see why. He felt as if an imaginary hand around his neck was squeezing tighter and tighter to check how much more he could handle.   
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mark.” Rob said and was surprised by his unsteady voice.   
“Yes, you do,” Mark replied and looked at him honestly. There was no accusation in his eyes, no disappointment, if anything, there was understanding. “Right now, you’re pretty much at your limit and I want you to let go. I’m no child - and I’m no terminally ill person either. We used to share so much more. You think we can go back to that? I’m still same old me. I’m just not drinking, I’m cutting myself. The result for my body is probably pretty much the same...”   
That was a comparison that Rob could handle and understand because it was close to home. He got up and walked around the table, reached out for Mark who took his hand and pulled him up.   
He muttered “We’ll work this out. I promise!” before guiding him to the bedroom. 

When they were standing in front of the bed and Mark looked at him, confused and insecure, Rob smiled at him and ran his hands over his sides. While sliding off his shirt, he whispered “I think the first thing we need to get rid of is the fear of breaking each other...” Mark nodded and began to understand what this was about. He relaxed, let himself sink down on the mattress and waited until Rob crawled on top of him, sucking carefully on his delicate skin. Mark pulled on Rob’s shirt now and whispered just as carefully “...and of hurting each other...”, he ran his fingertips over Rob’s back and traced along his shoulder blades. When Rob carefully opened Mark’s trousers, he looked into his eyes “...and we gotta learn trusting each other”. Mark shivered under his touch and followed his example, mumbling “and letting each other in”. Rob and Mark looked at each other, stopped in their tracks and burst into laughter until a furiously blushing Mark hid his face against Rob’s shoulder and whined “I’m sorry, I only got the double meaning when the words were out. Fuck, I destroyed it!”   
And the mood was gone. - This was probably the closest they had ever gotten to having sex but it wouldn’t happen now, they both knew it. The two men kicked off their trousers and crawled under the blankets, still chuckling every now and again and Mark still hiding against Rob’s body - and Rob willingly pulled him into hugs that Mark almost vanished in. They were caressing each other and Mark ran his tongue lazily over Rob’s nipples, making him moan. And it was good. For the first time in weeks, Rob was entirely relaxed, not just happy that Mark was doing alright but completely and utterly relaxed. And when Rob watched Mark sleep and curl up closer, he was convinced that Mark was, too.


	6. Chapter 6

_Blue sky_  
When you gonna learn to rain?  
And let yourself go blue for once  
And let go of the pain

_”But Rob, that’s silly, why should we be naked?” Mark looked at him desperately and Rob really couldn’t understand it. He had thought that he’d gotten to know his friend all over again over the past few months when they’d been working on the album. True, he had been through some really tough shit and there was only so much Rob could do to help him out but they were like brothers. Something inside him kept on nagging him, saying that they were so much more than that but he tried to push it away. And here he was, his friend, the person he thought he knew making a huge fuss about the cover shoot to their upcoming album._  
“Because the album’s called ‘Progress’ and the whole concept is about the evolution of mankind, it makes so much more sense naked. Come on, Markie, it’s not like I haven’t seen you the way God made you before. And it’s not like you got anything to hide,” he teased him and wrapped his arms around his upper body. It was meant as a friendly gesture but to his surprise, Mark completely froze and tried to shake him off.  
“You’re not taking me serious for fuck’s sake. Don’t ‘Markie’ me, I’m not joking! I’m NOT going to get undressed for those shots. Just because you love running around your house naked day in, day out, it doesn’t mean I’m like that. Alright? - And before you even consider asking: Boxers are also NO option. That’s my last word!” Mark had pushed him off forcefully, almost knocking him into the next wall and stormed out of the room, leaving a shocked Rob who had never seen his friend lose it like that before. 

_The other three guys who had been standing about 2 feet away were just as puzzled, so they were no help either. “Did anything happen to him while I was away?” Rob asked to figure out if he had overstepped some invisible line that shall never be crossed. No, the guys were just as clueless. The only thing they all knew was that Mark had been to rehab two months ago because he’d had a serious drinking problem but what did that have to do with undressing in front of the camera? For shots that would not even show the guys properly but only their silhouettes? Something about this fight felt very wrong. They usually didn’t argue about these kind of things - and if they did, they were mere pet fights. This was different. So when realisation kicked in properly, Rob did the only thing that felt sensible: He ran after him._

_He had no idea where his bandmate had gone but was quite convinced that the door to the small studio kitchen had been open the last time he’d passed it so he tried his luck. What he saw next was something he’d probably never get out of his head again. In the far corner of the room, Mark was crouched down - a shaking picture of misery. A knife was lying on the floor right next to him and he was staring transfixed at the red liquid that was slowly running down his arm in two thin lines. The expression on his face was one of relief and rush and he almost looked at peace with himself there. Whatever the expression was, it scared Rob. No, wrong, the entire situation scared him. Shitless. He felt numb, he felt sick. And he was so afraid of losing Mark. He shifted closer very slowly because obviously Mark had just attempted to end his life, that was crystal clear and he wanted to make sure he reached the knife before Mark would try again. When the tip of his toe touched the knife, he quickly kicked it across the room and finally dared to breathe again; Rob fell to his knees right next to his friend, grabbed for a kitchen towel from the counter next to him and wrapped it around his arm. His heart was pounding in his chest, the panic was almost too much to bear and he was only functioning. Breathing and functioning. Then he pulled a motionless Mark against his own body and started rocking him almost hysterically._  
“Mark... what are you doing? ...why...?”  
Mark didn’t reply.  
“Come on, talk to me,” his own words ringing high and unnatural to his ears.  
Mark pulled his arm away and curled himself up, hiding against Rob’s frame, mumbling “You were not meant to see that...” He lowered his head in shame and didn’t dare to look up. Rob’s mind didn’t compute this new piece of information. He only noticed that Mark pulled the sleeve of his shirt over the wrapped arm.  
“Rob, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Mark said and bit his lip. He sounded small and fragile, yet strangely detached compared to what had happened. He’d tried to take his own life, how could that not scare anybody? Him in particular.  
“I love you... don’t you know that? You’re not alone, Mark, you’re never alone,” Rob kissed Mark’s hair and rocked him from side to side. Part of him was wondering if he was doing it more to keep his act together than to actually soothe Mark who still seemed very composed. The first tears started rolling down his face when Mark still didn’t give him any answers. He kept on repeating that he wasn’t meant to be caught doing what he did but Rob’s only thought was “I’m glad I did”. And he felt incredibly guilty for not showing him often enough how much he meant to him. He kissed his head over and over again and rocked him until he had somewhat recovered from the shock. 

_When Rob finally stopped shaking, he looked up and realised that Mark was looking at him concerned._  
“Listen. This was not a suicide attempt,” Mark said huskily and ran one hand soothingly over Rob’s cheek. He kissed it and rested his forehead against him, sighing deeply, his eyes full of regret.  
The younger man was confused. He didn’t comprehend. Didn’t get why it was suddenly Mark who was worried about him. This whole thing didn’t make sense at all. He was tired.  
“I have...I never meant to share this,” he rubbed his tired eyes and bit his lip, his eyes were haunted but this situation required a confession. “When I stopped drinking, it didn’t go down too well. I needed some kind of... way of... letting go. Releasing the pressure. So I...” he rubbed his arm uneasily and hoped that Rob would understand.  
And suddenly he did, suddenly it all made sense. The strong reaction to the nudity. The knife. The look. How he had wanted to hide it from Rob. This was no suicide attempt. Quite the opposite. This was Mark’s way to survive. 

_Rob had read about it, had seen TV shows about it. To him, that had always been a teenage thing. A way of demanding recognition. But Mark wasn’t that way, he’d never be the kind of person to draw attention to himself. And besides, he had tried to hide it, so definitely not a case of “Love me, please”. Even though, deep down inside, it probably was. The defeated expression in Mark’s eyes was like one million needles piercing right through him. He whispered tenderly “I understand,” and pressed a kiss on Mark’s now trembling lips. Letting somebody in on his secret had detracted all his power and stirred up everything inside him. For the first time, it was more than a peck. Mark opened his mouth slightly and invited Rob in. Even though he had no idea what he was doing, he decided to go for it. It was probably the biggest mistake he would ever make, Mark was emotionally compromised and so was he but he needed this, needed a confirmation that Mark wanted to live. When he slid his tongue inside Mark’s mouth and their tongues touched, both of them were clinging onto one another and held each other tight as if something could tear them apart if they didn’t try hard enough. It was a shaky, breathless kiss that turned their worlds upside down and something between them changed. They didn’t dare to talk about it yet, they didn’t want to name it but they knew they needed each other._

_When they slowly returned to the here and now, Mark looked at Rob, still clinging onto him._  
“Please don’t tell the guys what’s wrong with me. I’ll stop. They wouldn’t understand.”  
Neither did Rob but he would never make him feel alone again, he’d not add to his distress, Mark had suffered enough in his life. So he said softly “Promised.”  
Then he stumbled back to his feet and helped Mark up. Everything inside him was spinning, his mind still refused to process everything that had just happened. It was a bit as if he had aged by 10 years in a few minutes. He wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into another hug, shielding him. Rob kissed his head and muttered “I’ll suggest bodysuits...” 


	7. Chapter 7

“I absolutely disagree, tell him that!”  
“No, no, I’m not gonna have any of it. It’s my fucking money they are talking about. Why should I invest in that video if it’s not part of the deal?”  
“Well, you know as well I as do that videos are non-recoupable and if there’s no fucking video, I’ll definitely skip the promo part as well. This is getting absolutely ridiculous!”  
“What?!? No. Fucking. Way. Listen, I have better stuff to do than listen to this bullshit, do something about it or I’ll sue them for breach of contract.”  
“I don’t want to talk to them. I want that video. Full stop. Tell them to grow some balls - and put all calls through to Josie until they are men.”  
Rob put the phone down and kicked a pillow away that had slid off the sofa when he had gotten up hastily to pace across the living room. He was muttering a variety of swear words to himself and frowned and bit his lip in anger. He wanted to jump into the next car and smash some doors in at Universal headquarters. Everything had always run smoothly with EMI even though they’d been basically bankrupt for a couple of years now but they knew that he was one of their most important money suppliers and treated him accordingly. At Universal, he was one amongst many and they had no intention of making him feel any different. But he wasn’t fucking Justin Bieber who probably didn’t need music videos. And how on earth would they explain to him that they had no problems funding the latest Lady Gaga while telling him that “music videos are yesterday’s news”? He was Robert.Fucking.Williams. Stadium filling artist. Maybe he simply should file for breach of contract and negotiate with EMI once more.   
He sighed. Of course that was too late, the high offer he had declined would never be on the bill again. He had pushed all his chips onto black - and now red seemed to win. Rien ne va plus.

He entered the kitchen and automatically opened the fridge - and remembered that this was the household of a recovered alcoholic. It was just a bit of a habit to actually look for a drink in moments like these but so far, nothing had really thrown him off track enough to make him relapse. At least not in recent years. He took a juice box out of the fridge and drank straight from it until he heard a cough from the kitchen door. He turned around, put the box back into the fridge and rubbed his forehead, still looking tense and slightly upset.   
Mark’s amused grin vanished slowly, he rested against the door frame and leaned his head against the wood, asking calmly “What’s wrong?”   
Rob sighed and shrugged it off “Not worth mentioning...”.   
Mark pushed himself off the door frame and closed the fridge that was still wide open “So unimportant that you forget about the fridge,” he raised his eyebrow and rubbed Rob’s arm.  
Okay. So Rob had been caught. He raised a smile and played with the hair in the nape of Mark’s neck. “Just business bullshit, they are trying to take me for a fool,” he said and the anger returned momentarily. Mark pressed his lips onto Rob’s and answered firmly “You are many things, Robert Williams - but you’ll never be anybody’s fool.” and after a second he added cheekily “...but mine”.   
Even though he still couldn’t quite get rid of the anger inside, that provoked a smirk, he tickled Mark playfully “Oh you wish, I’m the man in this relationship!”.  
Mark chuckled softly before humming “I like the sound of the word ‘relationship’ when it comes to you and me, you know?”  
Rob stopped in his tracks and looked incredulously at his partner “What else would you have called it?”  
The small man smiled widely back at him, sliding his hands under Rob’s shirt “I don’t know, I guess I didn’t really dare to think about it too much.”   
“Oh, silly boy,” Rob replied affectionately and pulled him into a tight embrace, he mumbled into Mark’s hair “You definitely think too much”.   
“Probably... But now tell me what made you so angry, Rob,” Mark mumbled against his chest, pulled back and looked up into the other man’s eyes. He caressed Rob’s bare back and didn’t let go and once again, Rob felt how Mark’s strength went through his entire body, soothing him, his entire presence calmed him down instantly. After standing like this for a moment, Mark pulled him after him into the living room. He pushed Rob onto the couch and sat down next to him, Mark’s legs across his lap and his arms around Rob’s neck. “Universal are being pricks,” Rob began to share what had annoyed him that much. 

“You know, if anything fails, you can always play the ‘Take That’-card,” Mark said matter-of-factly because the band was in the same company as Rob now but the younger one didn’t like that too much. He shook his head “No, this is my thing. I want them to invest in me because they believe in me and not because they think that you’ll be cross with them if they don’t”.   
“I’m cross with them already, tough luck for them. Whoever messes with you, messes with me,” Mark said sternly.   
Rob smiled mildly now and couldn’t help but let a whole bunch of positive emotions wash over him in that moment. He loved it when Mark was fighting for him, it was something he’d always done - first in front of the guys because he had been an ass and the press of course who’d never rest the case - and now he wanted to fight like a lion because Rob was upset.   
“You sound like Simba’s mum, whatever her name was!” he grinned.  
Mark shook his head and laughed “And here I was thinking you’d consider me sexy and mysterious, fighting for your cause and all but in reality you think I’m a pussy. It’s the midget factor I tell you, if I was Stallone, you’d definitely talk differently.”   
“If you were Sylvester, you could give a hell of a head with those lips of his...”  
Mark slapped him playfully “Careful, darling! If you continue like this, you’ll never know the true promise of my blowjobs! You gotta know, I’m a natural!”  
“Says who?” Rob raised his eyebrows because to his knowledge, Mark had never been with a guy before.  
Mark gave him a flirty look, bashing his eyelids and replied as straight as possible “Says the banana I’ve been practicing on.” He could only keep that face until Rob burst out laughing and before they knew it, they were in hysterics. 

When Rob’s stomach stopped hurting from the laughter, he pulled Mark close by the collar of his shirt “Come here, crazy man,” pressed a kiss onto his lips and was almost surprised by the sudden hunger when their bodies connected. Mark, just as surprised, moaned softly and pressed his own tongue eagerly against Rob’s mouth. Soon they were kissing, sucking and biting each other’s lips, their tongues battled, electricity jolting through their bodies. Rob didn’t quite grasp who started it but before he knew it, they were pulling on the fabric that was separating them, first taking off each other’s shirts, then fumbling hastily with the buttons on each other’s jeans and kicking them off. Mark slid down on the couch and pulled Rob on top of him, he wrapped his legs around him and rubbed up against him, tilting his head back into the arm rest. His mouth dropped open when he whimpered softly for more and Rob had to stop for a second and take in that fucking beautiful sight. When Mark blinked confused and looked down, about to ask if anything was wrong, Rob blushed softly and hid his face against Mark’s skin, twirling his tongue along his pulse before nibbling teasingly on his earlobe.   
They had jerked each other off a couple of times but for some reason, that wasn’t enough. Not this time. 

Rob slid down further, leaving a wet trail on Mark’s upper body before leaning over him and carefully blowing on the moist skin, causing for Mark to shiver. He smiled very contently when he felt Mark grab for his head and guide him down. Yes, they both agreed on this. What more could he possibly ask for? He sucked one of Mark’s nipples in and teased him until he whimpered his name and rubbed so hard against him, that their growing erections touched, making Rob lose focus and concentration for one second and moaning softly.   
“Fuck, yeah,” he heard Mark whimper and it almost felt foreign to his ears to hear him swear in that context. Foreign but insanely, incredibly hot.   
He muttered a husky “yeah” in return and pulled Mark’s underpants down in one swift movement, watching with want how much the other one was craving for it. He wanted to tease him, wanted to see him whimper but that was impossible. The way Mark was trembling underneath him, the way he muttered swear words that didn’t seem to belong to him, the way he pulled on his head - it made him so fucking horny that he had to continue here and now. Rob ran his hands over Mark’s inner thighs, circling and caressing the soft skin. He had never done anything like this before but he seemed to be doing things right because Mark was squirming and pushing slightly towards him. He opened his mouth wide and closed it around Mark’s cock, starting to move slowly, then, when Mark pulled on his hair with want faster and tighter. He moaned and moved his head up and down around him, scratching softly along Mark’s legs who whimpered “Harder, please, harder”. So he dug his nails harder into his skin, making him shiver and beg for more. He had no idea if he did the right thing but it felt fucking perfect. Foreign but absolutely sexy. It turned him on so much to see Mark like that, the way his head banged against the pillow and the armrest, how he clawed himself into the material of the couch, how he lost his voice because of what he did to him. He was fucking perfect. Fucking gorgeous.   
Rob watched his every emotion while he moved around him and felt more need to sleep with this man than ever. He reached between his legs and started jerking himself off. Five million swear words were floating around his head to describe how absolutely amazing this was. Rob’s lips started to swell but he felt that Mark was close. He worked himself harder and increased the speed of his mouth and before he knew it, Mark shuddered violently underneath him, pressed his legs against Rob’s shoulders and came into his mouth. Rob swallowed the salty liquid and quickly finished himself off before collapsing on top of the other man. He rested his head against Mark’s chest and felt his racing heart against his cheek. Their hot bodies were sweaty and sticky and Rob didn’t feel like ever moving again. Mark wrapped his arms around him and sighed very contently. They could have said so many things but rather enjoyed the comfortable silence. Rob was grinning like a silly teenager all over his face. He was post orgasmic cheesy and loving every second of it.


	8. Chapter 8

_“I love the way you love but I hate the way I’m supposed to love you back...”_   
Rob stood in the open door, perfectly still. Mark hadn’t noticed him yet, he was too caught up in the song he was currently singing, sitting with his guitar on the window sill, his legs stretched out along the window while he was playing and looking out. Rob loved it when his partner got lost in music, it was the most gorgeous sight he could imagine. He was a true artist and could impossibly survive without writing, composing and singing - despite hating his voice, something Rob would never understand. And now he was simply enchanting even though the younger man couldn’t quite shake off the nagging feeling in the back of his skull. Those songs, they were too dark, too depressing. On the other hand, Mark had always favoured bands like Radiohead and Joy Division... Lyrics meant everything to him, even during the last few years in Take That, he had written poetry and material that turned out to be lyrics for his first album about suicide, confusion and destruction. Rob was probably reading too much into this. 

_“I’m not, not sure, not too sure how it feels to handle every day,”_ Mark continued and despite knowing better, Rob could no longer act as if he wasn’t there, he had to make himself noticed. He entered the living room and approached the singing man, ruffling his hair and kissing the top of his head.   
“What’s with all that Silverchair today?” Rob asked and stood right next to Mark, massaging his right shoulder with one hand.   
“Nostalgia...” Mark turned, put the guitar down carefully and wrapped his arms around Rob’s torso. He shrugged “No special reason really.” and smiled up. He looked tired.   
“For how long have you been sitting here?” Rob moved closer until Mark’s knees touched his legs, he massaged both shoulders now, realising how tense his muscles were.   
“A couple of hours,” Mark stifled a yawn before adding “Didn’t wanna wake you, it’s good that you finally caught up on some sleep.”.   
Rob tilted his head and mumbled “But you know that you could have...”.  
“And you know that I wouldn’t have...” Mark replied with a slightly amused grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes and pulled Rob even closer until he was standing between his legs, he leaned up and gave Rob a reassuring kiss.   
When had he started looking this exhausted again?   
Why hadn’t Rob noticed before?   
Rob tried to push his thoughts away. He had promised not to constantly worry. And to let go. But he could always ask, couldn’t he? Asking was okay. Wasn’t it?  
“Are you alright?” he asked in that certain loving tone that most people out there would never hear from him and looked into Mark’s eyes. There was a flicker of something the moment he had asked but it was gone just as fast as it had flashed up and was replaced by a tired but happy expression.   
“Hmmmm,” Mark nodded and very briefly pressed his lips together. Rob had no idea when he had started to read his boyfriend like that but he noticed way more of those micro expressions than he would ever tell him about. He guessed that it was his way of dealing with Mark’s reluctance to talk about his bad periods. But in the end they both were guilty as charged of dancing around subjects in one way or another, even though they had promised each other not to do so.   
Rob pulled Mark’s body against him and rested his partner’s head against his chest while caressing his back. After a moment of silence, Mark admitted “Just cannot sleep very well at the moment, it’s throwing me off track a little”. He held onto Rob and sighed softly.   
“That’s a bitch, I know what that’s like,” Rob nodded, relieved that they were at least somewhat talking, he rubbed Mark’s back comfortingly.  
“...makes me a bit edgy,” Mark added to Rob’s surprise. He held his breath and waited for more to come but that was it. This was all his boyfriend was willing to share. He nodded and muttered “If you need to talk...”. The small voice with which the older man replied “Appreciate it.” only added to the feeling inside that something was very wrong but he had promised not to pressure Mark even though it wasn’t always easy. He was impatient and sometimes close to losing it over this but when he took a close look at Mark’s face and saw how little he could help it, the words never left his mouth. Fucking depression. Life was not fair.

Over the next few days, nothing really changed. Every night they went to bed together, lay in each other’s arms for a while, kissed, talked with low voices because it felt so much more intimate, their hands were entwined, their bodies entangled and life seemed normal. Every morning, Rob would open his eyes and find his boyfriend wide awake, watching him with tired eyes - or Rob reached over to pull him close and Mark’s side of the bed would be deserted. It slowly but steadily started affecting their relationship. Mark was constantly tired and too exhausted to think properly, Rob was not always as patient with him as he should have been - especially when he was in a hurry to get to this or that meeting concerning his upcoming album and he could tell that Mark would have needed him to stay. But the world didn’t stop turning and they had both agreed on trying to make this work but Mark still wasn’t ready to see a therapist and they started arguing about it.  
“You out of all people should know that it’s not that easy,” Mark said one of the times. Edgy and exhausted but still rather calmly. And he had a point. Rob’s solution to his own depression had been prescription pills until he’d been so spaced out that he needed detox.   
“Never said it was. But at least give it a try,” he had replied. And he would have loved to add something along the line of “You’re becoming way too dependent on me, I’m worried what would happen if we fall out. I’m shit scared to break your heart and what happens then?” but he rather kept that bit to himself, no need to worry Mark about something he had no intention of doing. Still. Life’s not always the way you plan it to be. 

When Rob returned that Friday night, it had been a particularly long and boring meeting, he had a bad feeling burning in his guts. The last few days had been a pile of shit multiplied by a million. Mark had shut him out, he had played his guitar almost constantly, looked into space and contemplated a lot. Not to mention that particular way of sighing which - that was something Rob had learned over the past year - was dangerous. It was the “I’m sighing to release the tension from my stomach but somehow it remains stuck firmly in place” kind of sigh; that’s how Mark had explained it to him before. Rob knew that feeling, it was one of the indicators of depression, to him it was like a loneliness that started in one tiny place in his stomach and spread gradually, day by day and especially night by night until it radiated throughout his entire system. It was the kind of pain that had forced him to drink, take drugs and prescription meds in the first place to numb it and even though he was in a lot better place now, he was aware of the potential return. So even if he hadn’t been sure before, Mark’s sighing was the last indication he needed to know that he was hitting a low. A massive one.   
He had tried to cheer him up - even though he knew from experience that was quite pointless - distract him, comfort him and just be there. Mark had kissed him in return, smiled at him, tried his best to open up enough to make him not feel utterly useless. But by now Rob was running out of ideas and the fear that Mark might hurt himself again returned. It had been going so well for such a long time now that he’d almost believed they had conquered that illness together without seeking professional help. 

Rob entered the house and heard Mark rummaging in the kitchen. He took off his jacket and shoes, put the keys away and entered the warm room. He embraced himself for the sight he had left earlier: a very pale, very thin boyfriend who seemed to be moving in slow-motion and trying to keep up a smile for the both of them.   
To his surprise, Mark was a changed man. He was cleaning up the place and just put some cutlery away. Rob couldn’t quite put a finger on it but he seemed more lively than in the morning. He turned around and faced him, biting his lip softly.   
“Hey,” he said calmly and came closer.  
“I’m back again,” Rob said huskily. This was not what he had expected. At all.  
“You are,” Mark tilted his head. A smile crept over his lips. “Don’t know how I deserve you...”   
Rob put his index finger on Mark’s lips “sssshhhh, don’t even dare thinking that...”  
Mark opened his lips and sucked the finger in, running his tongue teasingly over it.   
“How has your day been?” he wanted to know and looked deeply into Rob’s eyes. This whole setting made no sense at all. It was not right. Rob pulled his hand away and brushed some hair out of Mark’s face. He ignored the question and asked instead “What’s going on?”.  
When the older man lost the twinkle in his eyes and scratched his arm, looking insecure and caught, Rob knew immediately what had happened. He froze for a second, not believing it.   
Should he just act as if he hadn’t read the signs?   
Should he tell him that he knew?   
He took a deep breath and nodded without waiting for Mark’s reply, mumbling the reply he had heard a bunch of times before “it’s better now...”. Mark’s “yeah” was a mere whisper, he looked ashamed and lost, the way he was standing there, too thin, too fragile in a way too big jumper. And Rob knew that the “Don’t know how I deserve you” was Mark’s expression of guilt and fear. Guilt for having done it again. Fear of losing Rob to this illness. 

For a moment, Rob closed his eyes and concentrated on the dots that were dancing in front of him. He felt like being trapped in a merry-go-round. Every round was another blow that was draining the power from his cells. For how much longer would he be able to stay patient? Mark was in the middle of destroying himself and all he could do was watch. 

When he opened his eyes again Mark looked down. Everything they had built up over the past few weeks seemed to have been for nothing, they were back at square one again. He stumbled backwards and played with the hem of his shirt before looking up with watery eyes “Sorry for disappointing you again.... I’ll....” he pointed weakly back over his shoulder, indicating that he’d leave Rob alone to think.   
“Mark. Stay. Please,” Rob pleaded silently.   
Mark’s mouth dropped open as if he wanted to say something to degrade himself even more but he closed it again, all those bitter words remained unsaid. He was still moving backwards, this situation was too much for the both of them to handle.   
Rob reached out for Mark’s arm and pulled him close before the smaller man could struggle. He wrapped both arms around him and didn’t let go, even though Mark fought for a while.   
“You are the most gentle, most caring person, I’ve ever met. You are seriously... Amazing. Truly wonderful. Truly. Utterly. Beautiful,” Rob showered him with compliments. He knew that Mark was very bad at handling them but it felt like the only sensible thing to do in that moment. And it seemed to help, Mark’s muscles relaxed in his embrace, he stopped fighting back.  
“You are the only person, I want to be with. I am exactly where I want to be. I know life is not beautiful for you right now. But I’ll stay until it’s back to normal. And it will be beautiful again. I promise.” Mark’s torso started shaking and Rob knew that he was close.   
“Mark, I understand. You know, it’s not easy for me to watch you suffer but it’s only because I understand. Let’s get through this together. I will not leave your side. You don’t have to be strong,” he muttered all those words he would have loved to hear back in the days when depressions were demons of a lonely, drunk man and that’s when Mark started shaking so violently in his arms that he had to hold tightly onto him so he wouldn’t collapse. He whispered “Let’s get you to bed....” and guided him carefully to the bedroom, kicked the blankets away with his foot and climbed onto the mattress with Mark without letting go. They could get changed later. He lay down next to him and simply held him. When the first tears started streaming down Mark’s face, Rob let out a deep sigh. Mark didn’t talk but he was finally letting him in again. 

_I can take care of you  
The way you'd like to feel  
Underneath the riverbed  
Across the icy lake, across the icy lake_


	9. Chapter 9

Rob looked at himself in the mirror and what he saw frightened him. He looked like an old man. Not only had a friend of a friend remarked "we shouldn't do this at our age" - the guy was 57 - the amount of grey hair had increased tremendously as well. Was it a sign of stress, of working too hard and putting too much on his plate in general? Most likely. But if he was totally honest with himself, the more important, more profound part of it all was the personal distress he put himself through.  
He frowned at himself because he knew that he shouldn't be thinking that way. And the guilt returned, this nagging feeling that had started haunting him more and more these days when some tiny voice inside him told him that he should get out for a while. His brain even began making up excuses that would ensure him a few minutes on his own, a few hours to breathe. He didn't want to feel that way and tried to deny his own sentiments as much as possible but he couldn't help it. In a way it was part of the way he was, he had always been a pretty selfish person, could be a proper asshole and over the past year he had very often acted against his own nature. Not because anybody would have forced him to do so but because he wanted it. He wanted to be there, wanted to help and wanted to make Mark feel as if everything was perfectly normal - or at least acceptable. But then there were moments like these when he'd admit to himself for a few moments that this whole…thing was more than he could handle by himself. And even though he knew that he shouldn't, he felt like a failure and a coward for having the urge to run and hide. Sometimes, it became very difficult to push the thought away and pretend that things were normal. - And knowing Mark, he had probably picked up on it by now but overplayed it as well. Running in circles? Ringing a bell?

"Rob, any idea if we have any iodine left in the house?" Mark asked from the living room and Rob snapped out of it again.  
"I think so, hold on a sec," he shouted back and opened the mirror cabinet that was almost empty apart from some aspirin and Mark's Mucosolvan (despite his fondness for scarves of any colour and length, he had the tendency to catch a cold whenever they spent some time outside in the autumn wind and rain). Nothing compared to his own cabinet back in LA that had been stuffed with antidepressants, sleeping pills and all other sort of stuff that he hadn't touched in a while. When he had left LA behind, he had also kissed that period of his life goodbye, something he was increasingly proud of, especially considering the circumstances they were in at the moment. Sometimes he felt a bit as if he was put to the test — if he didn't start using or drinking again under the given circumstances, he'd probably be pretty safe. And then he felt bad for thinking that way because he wanted to be with Mark and being with him was absolutely worth everything.  
He wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. The way Mark wrinkled his nose cutely when he made a daft joke. Those moments of nonverbal communication that nobody got but them. Certain looks, certain touches, certain moments. This whole cheesy thing you call love. Mark's smiles that outshone those of anybody else in the room. His attentive attitude in conversations. It was almost silly how proud Rob was to call him his. His own personal star, the person he would move mountains for, would turn the world or make it stop spinning when things got too much. Sometimes he still couldn't believe that somebody had made him this homey. In all his previous relationships he'd felt as if somebody was trying to tie him down and restrict him and eventually, he had felt so caged that he'd cheated, lied and broken up. For some weird reason, he didn't even consider the option to leave. Yes, he knew that he was sort of contradicting himself, hadn't he just tried to figure out excuses to run and hide?  
But he was still here.  
And he would stay here.  
Full stop.

"Found it," he entered the living-room and waved the bottle in front of his boyfriend's face, holding a cloth in the other hand. When Mark tried to snatch the bottle from him, he hid it behind his back and leaned down "Kiss first?" Mark wrapped his arms around him, pursed his lips and sneaked the bottle out of Rob's hand who pouted "Bastard!". The older man grinned softly and gave him the peck on the lips Rob had demanded before saying "There you go, cannot have you sulking all day, can I?".   
He looked tired. The last few weeks had been especially draining - for the both of them. Mark opened the bottle and Rob sat down on his lap (even though he had to admit that he always feared breaking the skinny man underneath him whenever he did that) and wrapped his arm around Mark's neck. He handed him the cloth and watched the other man soak it in the iodine. He played with the small hair in Mark's neck and kissed his forehead. When Mark stretched out his bruised arm, Rob took the cloth away from him "Let me take care of this…". His boyfriend looked up, not entirely sure if it was a good idea. Usually they'd act as if things were alright, Mark kept his scars hidden - not the same way he used to in the beginning but he didn't want to upset Rob, so he didn’t put them on display. But Rob was tired of playing a game, he wanted to accept the illness as part of their lives and part of who Mark was and acknowledging that the scars were there was one step in the right direction. At least that’s what Rob believed when he was reaching for the cloth that Mark handed over, muttering "Be careful". Rob kissed his shoulder and tilted his head, biting down a stupid remark; instead he mumbled back "Will try," before very gently running the cloth over the inflamed wound that was burning bright red across his upper arm. Mark had overdone it this time, he had cut too deep and his skin was not exactly forgiving after all Mark had put it through over the past year. If he was unlucky, this could result in a massive, ugly scar and the two of them did the best they could to make sure it wouldn't. A hiss passed Mark's lips when the iodine made contact with the skin and Rob looked up, making sure his boyfriend wouldn't faint. This was something that didn’t quite get into his head: The pain Mark felt now was no form of relief at all, it was simply agonising and Rob could tell that it made Mark very uncomfortable while every time he cut himself, he was in a blissful state of letting go. This whole illness was not rational at all, even though he sometimes wished it was, so it would be easier for him to understand. 

“Fuck, I’m so stupid,” Mark sighed and bit his lip while his eyes were still glued to his arm. “I really didn’t mean for this to happen.” Rob wasn’t sure if he was referring to the cutting in general or to the accident of seriously injuring himself for the first time.   
“You’re not... and I know,” Rob nodded while concentrating on the task at hand. What else could he possibly say that wouldn’t reveal how upsetting this whole situation was for him. How much of a wake up call this had been. No, this whole business was no joke, it could actually go very wrong.   
They sat silently and Rob finished cleaning the wound and bandaged the injured arm.  
“Rob, what are you thinking?” Mark asked with a small and insecure voice.   
Why?   
Why did he have to ask in this very moment?   
Rob squinted his eyes, took a deep breath and looked up. For a second he considered lying because he didn’t want to add to Mark’s depression that had determined their everyday lives for a few weeks now. But maybe honesty was all that it took for Mark to wake up and realise that he couldn’t continue like this. He had to see that this was getting worse and that Rob’s support was not really doing them any good. 

“We need help with this,” Rob said calmly, knowing that this would result in a panicky reaction and probably Mark withdrawing completely from him the way he had every single time he’d brought up the subject of a possible therapy in the past.   
But to his surprise, Mark nodded slightly and admitted “I’ve been thinking the same...”. He fumbled with his bandage and looked into Rob’s eyes “It’s just a scary prospect... I’m not sure I can talk about it just yet.” That confession was so much more than Rob would have expected to hear, he wrapped his arm around Mark and pulled him closer.   
“I’m very proud of you,” Rob said calmly even though he was suddenly all over the place. That was progress! A big step! He tried not to get his hopes too high but considering the state Mark was in, this was a very important moment.   
Mark frowned and froze in his embrace “Don’t, Rob.” His voice broke and he looked even smaller than just a few minutes ago. His fingers were trembling when he scratched nervously under the edge of the bandage and Rob knew that he was about to rip his skin open again. The younger man was confused. What the hell had he done wrong this time? Why couldn’t he just do and say the right things? He felt the urge to pull at Mark’s hand and hold onto it until the need to make himself bleed disappeared but right now, he didn’t dare to.   
“Don’t...?” he asked, sounding confused and slightly upset.   
“You’re pressuring me,” Mark mumbled with haunted eyes.  
Rob felt sick. “...what...?” he pressed the words out, unbelieving that this was happening “But you just said...”  
“You make it a big thing. That I think that I need to see somebody. You say you’re proud of me. I haven’t done anything about it, I’ve not even considered it for real yet, it’s just something that I feel I SHOULD do. I can’t, Rob. Not right now. I can’t. I know I SHOULD but I simply. Can’t.” He had rambled those first few words, they left his mouth without even thinking much about it, his entire body was trembling while he spat out the truth and in the end, he looked exhausted. And old.   
Rob opened his mouth even though he had no idea what to say but Mark wasn’t finished yet. “You know, I haven’t even told the rest of the guys. How should I possibly talk to a stranger?”  
Even though his head was spinning and he was still feeling sick, Rob knew that this was a chance to talk honestly. He pulled Mark’s hand away from the bandage because he couldn’t watch him hurt himself any longer and held it firmly. Mark didn’t even struggle, he was too emotional to notice.   
“Maybe that would be a start? ...tell the other guys? Then you can figure out if you’re ready to talk about it...” Rob tried and was relieved that his boyfriend didn’t freak out even more but sighed deeply. He nodded and closed his eyes, this whole conversation had evidently worn him out. “Mark, I’m not going to force you into doing anything, I’m just worried,” Rob mumbled against Mark’s forehead before pressing his lips onto his temple. Again he received a silent nod. 

After what seemed like an eternity, Mark moved back slowly, met Rob’s worried gaze and said with unsteady voice “Maybe I could start by telling Jay...” A small smile formed on Rob’s lips. Those were tiny steps - but steps nonetheless. He squeezed Mark’s hand and nodded encouragingly, feeling very proud of Mark for fighting back. Even if he couldn’t tell him.   
He kissed Mark and held him close “Sounds like a good idea. If you’d like me to be there...”.   
“I’d appreciate it,” his boyfriend said bravely.   
No, Rob would definitely not run and hide. No matter how long this would take.


	10. Chapter 10

“Think you’re ready?” Rob whispered tenderly into Mark’s hair as he pulled his fragile body against his own. They were both standing in the kitchen and this was it, the small step that suddenly seemed huge - and not just for Mark. Suddenly Rob understood what a major thing this was, how exhausting. Mark had slid his hands under Rob’s shirt and was now clinging onto his bare back but he nodded against his chest, mumbling “Let’s do it.”. Even if he had tried, Rob could not remember a moment in which he’d admired his partner more than in this very second. In a way, Mark had always been the stronger one of the pair of them, Rob was sure that had he been in his shoes, he’d not have pulled this through but found a sneaky way around instead. Despite the depression, the insecurity issues and the fear of being left behind, Mark fought like a fucking tiger to get out of this alive and sane. 

“Guys, is this your way of telling me that you’re an item - rushing to the kitchen and shagging each other’s brains out? Because honestly, I’ve figured that one out by now thanks to your very subtle behaviour on tour,” Jay shouted from the living room, quite obviously feeling a bit neglected - very understandable, Rob thought, considering that they had ordered him to come over for some important news and then excused themselves and left for the kitchen. Mark stuck his head through the half open door and grinned softly “You idiot, you’re not supposed to spoil the whole thing! - And what do you mean by that? Subtle behaviour?” Rob pushed him slowly into the room and carried the tray with tea that they had used as excuse to have a second of pep talk.   
“I’m not surprised that you don’t know what that is, Mark,” Jason smirked shamelessly. Mark sat down on the couch right next to Jason while Rob poured them all some tea and sat down in the armchair, still in ‘touching distance’ to his partner, everything else would have felt wrong. He couldn’t leave him stranded and wanted to make sure that he was alright. To be quite honest with himself, he also needed Mark close to himself.   
“You gotta explain that to me though, Jay, I’m serious, how did you know?” Mark asked curiously, turning in his bandmate’s direction. The longer Jason was around, the more Mark relaxed and they had an ordinary conversation. Even though his face gave away how little he had coped over the past weeks and how much the depression had taken over, the old Markie shone through. He smiled an honest smile and there was a glint of joy in his eyes when they were talking about the tour.   
“Seriously?” Jason asked and met him with disbelief “You behaved as if the tour was a walk in the park for you. Long rehearsals? You shrugged it off. Media circus? Did not seem to have any effect on you. And if that wasn’t giving you away enough, even the blindest member of the band - or the crew for that matter - understood what was going on when you celebrated each other on stage every single night.” Rob’s heart was jumping - not only because those words reached him but even more because they made Mark beam widely and tilt his head, mumbling cutely “Alright, alright. And you don’t mind?”. Rob reached over now and briefly took Mark’s hand in his, squeezing it affectionately.   
“Of course I mind having two beaming old sods around me - makes me look more pathetic myself,” Jason winked and nudged Mark who seemed genuinely happy now. But then Jay brought them back to earth by saying “Alright, now spill the beans already. That’s not the reason you asked me over, is it?”

Mark’s smile froze. His whole body language screamed ‘I’m not ready’ and if it hadn’t been this important, Rob would have grabbed his hand and run away. Somewhere far and safe, a place where nobody could hurt him and they could pretend that things were normal. Those words from the kitchen echoed in his mind and the determined look in Mark’s eyes confirmed yet again that he would do this now, despite his desire to run away. 

Of course Jason realised that something was wrong, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. His facial expression changed from a smirk to a concerned frown when he turned and faced Mark to give his best attention. He nodded encouragingly and Rob became flustered. He leaned slightly to the side as if to give Mark his support in case he needed it and his gaze shifted from Mark to Jason and back to Mark who now reached over and ran his hand reassuringly over Rob’s arm before beginning to speak.  
“I guess you know that I’ve not been doing so well over the past few years,” he said with calm, composed voice. It sounded as if he had rehearsed this. Jason didn’t reply but simply nodded, he politely waited for Mark to continue.   
“There was more to it than you know. I’m quite proud to be a recovered alcoholic but what I’m not proud of is that I found myself a substitute. I’m crap at coping sometimes,” he sighed at that and rubbed his forehead while pressing his lips together. 

It hurt Rob to see Mark that way. He was painfully honest at times but the way he was beating himself up over things he couldn’t help made Rob want to take him and squeeze him so tightly that he forgot about all those insecurities and self-doubts. And wasn’t it scary in a way that their mood had changed from manic to depressed in less than five seconds?

Jason looked serious and attentive. He listened very closely but it was impossible to read his face. When Mark lifted his head to meet his gaze, his mouth twitched into a tiny encouraging smile.   
“There was so much pressure on my shoulder. I wanted to get better, there were contracts to be fulfilled, obligations to be met, an album to be written - and most of all I felt like I was letting you down. I wanted to function and I suppose I asked too much of myself. It was a bad time to break down the way I did and I needed to get back to normal as soon as possible. I know you didn’t ask me to but I had to. Something inside me snapped. And then I found this way of surviving. I.” That was the first time that Mark stopped. Stopped and looked at Rob for help. But what did he want him to do? All he could think of was reaching for his hand once more and taking it in his, not letting go. He held his hand firmly and their eyes met. He had faith in Mark, knew how much of a fighter he was and how much he wanted to let it out now. And he hoped that Mark could see that in the way he looked at him. He nodded briefly and mouthed ‘You can do it,’ and believed what he said, those were no empty words.   
Mark sighed, sounding exhausted but he closed his eyes and mumbled, barely audible “I started hurting myself.” The next few lines came out almost mechanically, as if he had remembered lines he had rehearsed before “The first time it happened, it was a bit of an accident, I wanted to shave and cut myself. And to my surprise, it felt good. It brought the kind of relief that I needed, so I found myself doing it again. And again. And it didn’t make sense but it didn’t matter because it made me function, relieved me of the tension inside and made me feel alive at the same time. It was weird but good. And it scared me because I knew it shouldn’t be something positive to me. But it worked, so I did it again. And suddenly, I was caught in this thing.” He opened his eyes and his facial expression shifted between a frown and a smile. Rob had seen it before, it was Mark’s inner fight because he knew exactly that it was wrong and part of an illness but still it provided him with the blissful release he needed. 

Jason nodded and waited for a moment, obviously not sure if there was more to come. Then he rubbed his chin and nodded once more.   
“When do you feel the need to do it? Does it happen randomly?” Jason asked, sounding incredibly composed considering the situation. Rob realised that he had been holding his breath and let his shoulders sink. He had no idea what he had expected but so far, things were going okay.   
“It’s usually some kind of build-up. There’s usually a lot of pressure involved, tight schedules, demands that seem too much. And usually I’m depressed when I do it. It kinda goes together,” Mark replied and he looked a bit more relaxed than just a minute ago.   
“So it’s not one particular occasion really,” Jason nodded more to himself and so did Mark.

The longer they talked, the more Rob relaxed because it seemed to be going outstandingly well. Mark was brutally honest again - but not in a self-depreciating way. He shared as much as he could even though there were invisible lines that he never crossed, it was a bit as if he was sharing a limited version of what Rob was allowed to see. 

“What is it about it that makes you believe it’s the only way to get it all out?” Jason suddenly wanted to know and Rob tensed up when he noticed that the look in Mark’s eyes changed. It was just a tiny nuance from his ordinary look but he’d known his partner long enough to tell the difference.   
Jay, however, couldn’t tell. Nobody could possibly blame him, he hadn’t spent the last few months trying to read the tiniest signs.  
“What do you mean by that?” Mark asked hoarsely.  
“I mean, it’s a huge step to take a razor blade and...” he didn’t finish the sentence because Mark had let go of Rob’s hand now and sat up straight, on guard. He asked almost pointedly “You think it’s easier to talk, that’s it, right?”   
Jason stayed calm. By now, Rob would have fucking freaked and inside, he was actually very shaken. The question Jay had uttered had not been very different from any of the stuff he had said before. But it had ticked some invisible box that set off an alarm inside of Mark who was now very defensive.   
“No, I just try to understand better, Mark. Because I know you - or I think I do - and you have learnt to open up so much over the past two years. It’s simply a bit difficult for me to perceive what’s happening. That’s all,” Jason explained before adding “The thing is, if we know what’s making you want to hurt yourself, we can prevent it from happening again...”   
Mark widened his eyes “If you’re gonna watch me...” but he couldn’t finish the sentence because Jason cut him off - something he rarely did - by saying “We’re not gonna watch you. I’m very grateful that you trust me the way you do by letting me in on this massive thing. And I want to make sure you’re okay. Okay?” For a moment, Mark looked skeptical and Rob sensed why. Letting Jason in was more than just telling somebody about this illness. He treated it differently than Rob did - probably quite naturally because he was not as close to Mark as Rob was. He wouldn’t simply watch. And as much as it seemed to terrify Mark because it meant that he’d have to change, it calmed down Rob. Maybe they could get him out of this together. When Mark mumbled “okay” in return, Rob felt a massive weight lifted off his shoulders. He couldn’t stop himself from leaning over and kissing his temple. 

That night, Rob was the one who couldn’t sleep. He lay on his side and watched his boyfriend who looked exhausted but content. He was fast asleep and Rob moved closer. He kissed Mark’s freshest scars very briefly and felt the knot tightening in his stomach when the last words Jason had said before leaving came to his mind again as they had done so many times over the past few hours.   
“How could you keep this to yourself for so long?” He had asked - when Mark wasn’t in the room of course. And he had been angry. It had sounded like an accusation. There had been words like “irresponsible”, “stupid” and “very you”.   
“What were you thinking?”  
“Did you plan on watching him destroy himself?”  
“How could you possibly think you could do this on your own?”  
Then the anger turned to sadness.   
And the sadness to understanding.  
And then Jason had pulled him in a hug and apologised. Had said “I’m sorry, I’m just shocked” and revealed that he’d just been able to pull himself together in there because he had known that Mark needed strong people now to get him out of the state he was in.   
Rob had stood there numbly, not quite sure how to process all those words that had hit him straight in the face. The “If you need somebody to talk to,” hadn’t reached him anymore and when he had closed the door and taken a deep breath, he’d felt his entire body tremble.   
What had he been thinking?  
How could he possibly have thought he could do this on his own?  
And then he had slowly walked back to Mark, taken him into a tight embrace and swallowed down the tears that were burning in his throat.


	11. Chapter 11

“He’s still asleep but I will. Yeah, promised.”  
Rob opened his eyes slowly, stretched and shifted over to the other side of the bed to inhale Mark’s scent. The blanket was almost cold but the distinctive smell of his peach shampoo mixed with that new dry aftershave he had bought a few weeks back filled Rob’s nostrils. His man’s voice was muted by the shut door but he was unmistakably laughing while making a hell of a noise in the kitchen. Rob already knew what that meant but he decided to pretend to be stunned; he loved him with all his strengths and faults and tiptoeing round the house in order to surprise him with a perfect breakfast was definitely not on his list of strong features. One or two times, he’d been mastering it to perfection just to trip over something on the way to the bedroom and smash it all to pieces. Then he’d cursed wildly until his boyfriend had rushed for help and they’d cleaned up the mess until both had ended up in stitches.   
Rob turned on his back and looked at the ceiling. They’d been dating for quite a while now and even though they had both settled down with one another, it remained exciting. Sometimes they were enjoying a boring, quiet, adult life by watching TV or cooking some nice dinner; other times they went out and tried to sneak kisses and touches, feeling like teenagers that shouldn’t be caught by their parents. Add the depression, joy, doubts, overwhelming belief of two people and mix it together to a cocktail of surprises. And that after all these years of knowing each other - what more could anybody wish for? 

When the door was opened gawkily, Rob quickly closed his eyes and pulled the blanket around his torso, pretending to be snuggled up and lost in his dream world. He sneakily opened one eye to watch Mark balance the tray into the room which looked extremely dangerous. When his partner kicked the door shut a lot louder than he had intended to, he could no longer act like he was sleeping because that bang had probably woken up everybody within 100 yard. The small man in front of him cringed and muttered “Sorry, sorry... sorry” and carefully placed the breakfast on his side of the bed before sliding under the covers again, pushing the tray in the middle between them. Rob giggled like a girl and leaned over before kissing him.  
“You are the clumsiest man I’ve ever met, Mark Owen”.   
“But the clumsiest man you’ve ever met made you very amazing breakfast, most charming man I’ve ever met,” Mark tilted his head and pulled a face. “Jason says hello, by the way, he said I should finally kick you out of bed...”  
“Jay’s just jealous,” Rob stated and took the cups of coffee off the tray, handing one over to Mark.  
“Cheers, mate,” he added and looked into the older man’s eyes. The talk they had had with Jason a month back had really changed a few things for the better. It was obvious how much it relaxed Markie to be able to share his feelings and thoughts with someone other than Rob and even though he wondered if he should be envious of what the two men had, in reality he felt a lot more at ease with their situation than just a few weeks ago because the pressure that he had felt on his shoulders felt less difficult to take.   
“Cheers, babe,” Mark replied over the edge of his cup, the laughter lines clearly visible.   
“Babe?” Rob raised his eyebrows before singing “I come to your door...”  
Mark playfully poked him in his side and placed his cup on the nightstand, knowing what would follow and within less than a minute they were engaged in a childish playfight. Without thinking about it, Rob leaned over and wrestled his man down who shrieked “Noooooo, the food, the food!!!!” and with a loud clangour the tray landed on the floor right next to Mark’s mattress.   
“Oh Rob, what have you done???” Mark laughed and turned to the side to have a look at the mess.  
“Now who’s the cluts?!” he added and bit Rob’s arm playfully. “And it was so much effort to actually get it all the way to the bed,” he pouted until Rob kissed him.  
“I guess I’ll have to eat you instead,” he replied and sucked on that especially sensitive spot right underneath Mark’s earlobe. He ran his tongue over his skin and intensified the sucking when Mark shivered under his touch. 

Rob moved back and grinned cheekily, straddling the man he loved and who looked absolutely gorgeous this morning. He leaned down to the side and dipped his index finger into the honey that had originally been intended for the organic bread that Mark was so crazy about. While running his sticky index finger over Mark’s closed lips, he whispered “Breakfast time...”. Mark parted his lips and licked the clear yellow texture off Rob’s finger. Mesmerised, the younger man added a second finger and pushed them into Mark’s mouth who sucked on them eagerly. Rob felt the familiar blood rush to the lower regions of his body; this man was driving him positively mad with everything he did and was. If it wasn’t such a fucking cliche, he’d whisper all those naughty things into his ear that he wanted to do to him, just looking into his eyes conjured up a high speed blue movie in his head that by turns provoked the desire to push him up against any kind of wall and fuck him senseless or make love to him slowly and sensually until they both passed out on the bed. 

Mark didn’t say a word but the way he shifted underneath him and rubbed his growing erection against his left no doubt: He was just as horny as Rob. He blindly reached for the honey on the tray while still sucking on Rob’s fingers and matching the movement of his pelvis according and spread the sticky goodness messily on Rob’s throat and shoulder before pulling him down and licking it off with quick twirls of his tongue that left Rob whining for more. It happened so quickly that Rob lost his composure and scratched Mark’s chest. They were used to bruising one another, it was a way of claiming each other’s bodies their own so when Mark bit the delicate spot between throat and shoulder, Rob moaned and demanded more. Mark happily complied and dunked his entire hand into the jar. He ran his hand over Rob’s upper body, drawing a trail down to the waistband of his briefs and smirked when he reached around him to pull them into an intimate embrace.   
“Glued together,” he chuckled cutely and rubbed himself up against him. Rob had definitely had his share of unconventional sex but being attached to another person by honey was definitely a first. The texture of the spread mingled with their sweat and made for a surprisingly hot combination and he only hoped that getting rid of it later would not be as painful as he imagined right now - wax and chest hair came to mind... 

But Rob had no time to think about it any further because Mark’s lips, tongue and teeth were everywhere. They were still entangled and before he knew it, Mark was on top of him, very much in charge. Rob felt so powerlessly taken by this man that he only managed to run his hands over Mark’s back. He reached down and squeezed his ass, pulling him closer against his own full-grown erection. When they were rubbing against each other, Rob carefully slid a finger inside the other man and watched his reaction. To his relief, he whimpered with surprise but nodded encouragingly before leaning down and licking off more of that precious breakfast spread. Rob entered a second finger and slid it further in, holding his breath. Even though they were just his fingers, his cock grew harder by the second. It was a bit like when Mark was sucking his fingers. Your mind is a wonderful thing, he mused and watched Mark’s eyes fall shut as he moved a bit further up and started moving around him. He muttered “Rob... let’s give it a shot,” before staring into his eyes with an urge that went through every cell of his body. Rob smirked and pulled Mark down with his free hand to give him a deep kiss “What a fucking romantic thing to say,” he muttered breathlessly, quite surprised by how hoarse he sounded. Mark reached over for his nightstand and fetched the Vaseline they had actually bought together months ago in a ridiculous moment of ‘we should be prepared in case we feel like it’ and smirked “I think the honey wouldn’t be such a good idea.”  
“Probably not - but that stuff is still a strike of genius, it feels so dirty, it’s quite hot,” Rob admitted and opened a condom. Mark took it off him and said silently “Let me do it.” Rob nodded even though he wasn’t sure he’d survive without suffering from premature ejaculation because Mark had skilled hands - and his dick loved Mark’s hands. Rob snorted softly at the thought of that and watched the other man roll the condom down carefully. He mumbled in concentration “It’s weird to do it to somebody else, isn’t it?” Rob simply nodded, by now he needed to gather all his concentration to compose himself. 

Rob dipped his fingers into the Vaseline and smirked for a moment “I bet that tastes of honey now...” he stated and Mark playfully slapped him “You’re supposed to fuck me, not think about food”.  
“Sleeping with you is all I can think of right now anyway, Markie. I fucking, freaking fucking, immensely, incredibly, insanely fucking want you!” He slid his two fingers in again and thoroughly prepared his boyfriend who looked at him, not quite able to shake off his nerves. Something that Rob noticed right away and answered by leaning up to kiss him. He muttered a question that sounded silly in his head “Do you wanna be on top?” but when Mark nodded, looking relieved as if he hadn’t dared to think about how this would work technically, he knew that it was good he had asked. When both were ready, Rob reached for Mark’s upper arms and held him steady, so he could lower down and if it had been difficult before for Rob to keep his composure when Mark had merely touched him, it almost proved impossible now that this new feeling overwhelmed him. And when Mark started moving on top of him and fell into a steady rhythm after a moment of adjusting himself, Rob didn’t know how to take it much longer - even though he didn’t want it to end. 

Obviously very much lost in this feeling, Rob drifted off into another world and was only reminded of the here and now when Mark took his hand and pulled it into his crotch. He didn’t look neglected, probably mildly amused but very content and when Rob understood and started stroking him in the same steady pace, Mark’s eyes shone before they fell shut. He was so fucking beautiful. Yet another cliche but what the hell, he was the most perfect creature on this planet. Rob stroked him faster when he felt that he was close and heard somebody moan incoherently until he realised that it was him. When Mark’s breathing became unsteady and stuttering, he increased the speed of his hand, knowing that he was close and the moment he shot the salty liquid into his hand, Rob finally dared to let go and came instantly inside him. His gorgeous man collapsed on top of him and sweat, cum and honey mixed to a combination that made them feel dirty, filthy and absolutely sexy. He brushed some hair out of Mark’s face and mumbled “You are mine.”.   
Mark nodded and kissed his chest, his breath was still irregular and shaky and his heart was racing.  
“And I won’t let anybody take you away from me,” he added and wrapped his arms tightly around the small torso on top of his.  
“Me, neither?” Markie asked timidly after a moment and Rob frowned.  
“What do you mean by that?” he tried carefully.  
“When I steal myself away... will you let me?” he sighed softly and closed his eyes, resting his head against Rob’s neck now.  
“No, I won’t.” Rob smiled and held him tight.   
“Good,” Mark mumbled, sounding very sleepy. “Good.”  
After a moment he added “Because you know I might try, if my head fucks up...”  
“Hey, remember, it’s me you’re talking to. I’m the master of that stunt. I will *not* let that happen,” Rob smiled and pulled him even tighter.   
Something inside him didn’t want to smile though because yes, he was the master of that stunt.  
And he knew that all the time he had run away, he’d done it regardless of anybody’s feelings.  
And he knew that Mark knew.  
Because many of the times he had run away, the person he had run from had been Mark.


	12. Chapter 12

_“What about the beach?”  
“Back to the beach! Bare feet on the beach. Can’t beat it.”_

_Gary and Mark got up and shook the interviewer’s hand to thank him for the interview they’d just finished. The past few weeks had left their toll on all guys but Mark was without a doubt the most exhausted one amongst them. He looked as if he could barely keep it together and quite frankly the other four were worried that this was exactly what was happening. Three for obvious reasons: This was the first very stressful period of promotion, Brits, Echo, TV shows all over Europe, ever since Mark had stopped drinking. And the journalists kept on nagging him about that one particular song with those honest words. Of course the guys had known before that this would happen, you couldn’t write a piece of lyric that confessed to all sorts of sins and inner turmoil without expecting interrogation about it. They knew that Mark would have to face his past over and over again, if he wanted or not and even though they were very selective about their interview partners, they still couldn’t control everything they would be asked, especially abroad. And then there was Rob. The only guy who knew that there was even more to Mark’s state than everybody knew. The whole situation put him into some kind of numbness, it felt a bit as if he was watching a movie with himself as main character. Not just any movie, right now life was like being trapped in the works of Anton Corbijn, everything seemed black and white, edgy. There was an underlying sadness, a disturbing truth that didn’t quite make it to the surface. And Rob was waiting for it to break free - even though he wasn’t quite sure if it would be Mark or him in whose mask the first cracks would show that this was all a big charade._

_Rob felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned briefly to the side, looking at Howard’s face who was sitting down next to him. They all used this moment off to gather some strength. “You alright?” he asked seriously and Rob simply nodded and stared ahead at Gary and Mark who were strolling along the shore. How could he even begin to express was going on inside of him?  
“Did you fight?”  
“What, why?” Rob frowned and rubbed his forehead.  
“Something’s clearly wrong...” Howard stated the very obvious and let a bit of sand run through his hand, almost mind-absently. He had pulled his beanie into his face to shield himself from the wind but Rob could tell how worried his band mate was. He bumped his shoulder into his and muttered “You worry too much, Dougie, we’re just tired”.   
“You sure?” he tried again.  
“I’m sure,” Rob replied with steady voice and added with a small smile “I guess we’ve just passed the ‘honeymoon’ period of me back in the band...”  
Howard brushed some hair out of his face and joked “Oh come on, you two are still clearly all over each other”. _

_And with that, Dougie hit a lot closer to home than Rob could explain in that moment. It was a scary prospect but Rob was hopelessly falling for Mark all over again. Back in the days, he’d had a period in which he’d adored and worshipped him so much that he’d ended up pushing Mark away because the power the other man had over him had terrified him. He hadn’t been ready to give up control and let himself fall, he’d been running ever since up to the point of leaving the band, not answering Mark’s calls and shutting him out. He had been such a prat and still Mark had forgiven him immediately and unconditionally. And with everything that Rob had learnt over the past few years, he felt more guilty for the state the man he loved was in. It was obvious that he played a huge part in this whole thing.  
“You’re silly, that’s like me saying that you’re all over Gaz,” Rob chuckled to overplay his insecurities but things had changed, dynamics had. They had started being honest with each other.  
“The difference is that you know as well as I do that Mark’s had a thing for girls and guys all his life...” and then he turned and smirked softly “And from what I reckon, you also know that he’s had a thing for you...”  
Rob bit his lip and pulled a bit at his own hair before looking up and watching Mark and Gary a bit more. He sat still and nodded, muttering softly “I know...”  
Howard read his mind and muttered “You know, his happiness is NOT your responsibility”.  
“Yeah, but...” Rob frowned.  
“No ‘buts’, he is a grown man and if you don’t feel the same way, there is nothing any of you can do,” Howard drew the wrong conclusion as he looked ahead. “You know, I haven’t told anybody before but there was a time when I was very worried that Jason had feelings for me. Cause we’ve always gotten along really well and he’s quite touchy with me and all. But even if that was the case...” Howard shrugged “...what could I possibly do? Should I change anything about my behaviour around him? To make sure I didn’t lead him on or anything? I mean, he knows I’m straight but... you know?”  
Rob laughed now “You and Jay? Oh come on!”  
“I’m serious!!!” Howard replied, mocked hurt in his voice. Then he grinned all over his face “That’d be quite tragic actually, we’d be a walking cliché, a boyband full of poofs”   
“Well, well, two in five, that’s actually quite a good quota,” Rob smirked, giving Howard the broadest hint possible.   
The older man looked at him with widened eyes “I knew it.”   
“I didn’t,” Rob shrugged and felt a huge weight lifted off his shoulders. He’d never actually had this conversation with anybody before and didn’t even quite know where it had just come from in that moment, why he felt the need to actually out himself like that.   
“Or maybe I didn’t want to know,” he sighed, thinking of how much bullshit he could have averted - for himself and even more importantly for Mark - if he had been this mature in the early days. But then again he’d just been a stupid kid. A stupid, confused kid.   
“Well, yeah, I suppose it’s something different to accept it in somebody else than be alright with it if it happens to yourself...” Howard nodded more to himself and Rob couldn’t have put it any better. He had always accepted that Mark had been openly looking for either girls or boys but when it came to his own feelings, he hadn’t wanted to be that way.   
“That quite sums it up,” he said with a smile and wrapped his arms around his legs.   
“But you and him are not...” Howard asked with honest interest.  
Rob shrugged.  
He had no idea what they were. They shared a dark secret. And they were there for each other when things got scary. They also shared many good times but right now, things were definitely not bright.   
“I guess we are not...” Rob tilted his head, not sure what else to say.  
“Oh, that period,” Howard nodded knowingly - he had been there a countless amount of times over the years. “No further questions, your honour.” He laughed openly causing for Jason who was approaching them pretty much out of thin air now to hurry up towards them “What have I missed, boys?”  
“Boys? Are we being nostalgic, old man?” Howard smirked and Rob decided to leave those two bickering men alone._

_With his hands in his pocket, Rob wandered along the beach, further away from the other four guys. Sometimes he needed time on his own and today his brain was a mess. Something inside him was so very tense. Probably because the circles around Mark’s eyes got darker every day and he felt like he was about to slip into a period of depression. And then there were his own mental issues. He had no idea how to gather strength to make Mark happy at this point and was so very thankful to not be alone with it. Gary was not leaving the small man out of sight right now, he was very protective, like a big brother, something that Rob had never seen in the early days. While he had been away, so much had changed, they were an entirely new band now and that meant that they were each other’s safety net that each and every single one of them could fall into. They just had to allow themselves to fall backwards. And from Howard’s and Jay’s way to look after Mark, Rob could tell that they had learnt to read him even when he didn’t say that he wasn’t alright.  
Still the feeling of relief wouldn’t come. Not to Rob anyway. It didn’t reach him. His insides were burning and he was about to freak out. When he had returned to Take That, they had sworn each other honesty but this was a touch too much. _

_He stared at the open water and took a deep breath when two arms were wrapped around his waist and he felt Mark’s breath against his neck and his familiar scent invading him.  
“Don’t run away, we still need you - there is this tour and all, I need that money...” Mark said, trying to sound light and even without looking at him, Rob noticed how much effort Mark put into fighting his low and keeping up the happy front. His voice was hoarse and slightly shaky but he was fighting. As always.   
Rob turned around in his embrace and lifted him off the ground “Mark Owen!”. He carried him towards the water as if he wanted to throw him in until Mark shrieked “Let me down, no, it’s fucking freezing, Rob. Stop it!!!!”   
And for a while they were playfighting like in the early days.  
And from a distance, Rob heard Jason shout “Kids, behave or the three adults will have the TV tonight...” _


End file.
